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Miranda Panda Puddin' Pie

By Miranda Gardner
On March 15, 2017

My life is spiraling out of control, but I was more concerned about reaching the bottom.

I've endured 24 years with schizophreniadementiamanic depression, and anxiety pulsing through the genetic code that's flooding my veins. While all these mental illnesses plague my family, the majority manage to live through their 90's.

"They say only the good die young. . . That's why I'm gonna be here a LOOOONG time," my mother always said.

I was diagnosed at the age of 16 with depression, and diagnosed with anxiety at 19.

I was rear-ended in 2014. The accident sent me into four other vehicles, which resulted in four herniated discs in my thoracic spine, and two buldged discs in my lumbar. After my MRI's, I was diagnosed with spindylosis, degenerative disc disease, and epidemic myalgia in my right shoulder. 

My heart and my mind are not copacetic.

Self-harm is a reoccuring problem of mine that counseling, therapy, and medication can't solve.

The sickness is a poison that convices me that I'm a burden, I'm useless, and I'm wasting everyone's time like a crescendo overpowering the melodic voice of peacefulness that sings harmonies inside my mind.

I'm not healthy, but I look completely fine.

In my mind, I'm two entities defined between my physical-self and who I feel I am--the Miranda I know is not the Miranda you see.

I am fueled by my passions, driven by my ambitions, and feel immensely for all living things.

I am the morals I live by, the examples I lead, and the beliefs my heart longs for.

Whenever I looked into the mirror and saw what the world saw of me; I choked on the disgust I felt towards my body.

I wanted to remove the Miranda I am from the Miranda you see, and harm her to death.

This rotten thought spoiled my mind for six years, and I didn't know it then, but I planted a seed.

I cut my wrists and was sent to counseling. I moved the cuts to my thighs which masked my demise, but the seed sprouted roots that entangled my mind.

I wasn't trying to cry for help, I was trying to harm myself, but I was never fully satisfied by the cuts made from side to side, and so I rationalized; that the next time be down the darkest blue line.

I finally put down the blade, but for how long til this peacefullness fades? When the charade wore off, came creeping the dark thoughts, and the overwhelming feeling of uselessness consumed me.

I didn't reach for the blade because I was too scared of the slow pain. But jumping. . . My cowardice wanted a quick and painless death.

A thorn bush grasped its roots into the depths of my mind. A seed so small, but I allowed it to grow.

I walked to the overpass at 3 a.m.,  determined in my quest for death. I walked in shorts and a tank top as the cold rain pelted against me. 

"If you care about being warm then you care about being alive," I told myself. I pushed on.

I was eager for darkness, nothingness, the abyss that awaited. 

As I stood on the bridge, overlooking the semis driving under me, I thought of the next day. . .

I thought of my mother waking up in the morning to whatever phone calls, messages, or officers that will tell her of my final chapter.

My younger brother wondering why I ended my story without a happy ending. He knows I ended all my stories with happy endings.

I wept before death and stopped myself from feeding into this thorn bush.

My thoughts that spiraled me into the abyss turned me around, and I had questioned myself; have you ever truly lived?

I stopped wanting to die.

I burned that thorn bush and planted a new seed.

Three years have passed and my tree of life blossoms with opportunities, successes, and wisdom.

I enrolled at MCCC in 2015 and by 2016 I've become a Writing Fellow, a member of Phi Theta Kappa, and made the Dean's list.

I don't feel useless anymore, I don't feel like a burden, and I know I'm worth your time. 

I found purpose.

My love for those around me formulated what I wanted to do with myself for the rest of my life--help people.

I don't want to help just a handful of people though, I want to help people on a global scale.

Whether you feel the same or not, global warming is causing the climate to change, and the climate changing is disrupting the circle of life.

I want to help educate people about our planet, the life that inhabits it, and how these connections rely on each other to flourish. 


If you or someone you know is going thru depression, self-harm, or suicidal thoughts--you are not alone and you are important.


April 25, 2017

During times of depression, I discovered that friends and hobbies uplift my mood. 

Even though school keeps me busy full-time, I still manage to set aside an hour or two to emotionally recharge myself with a little fun. 

Whether I color intricate mandalas inside adult coloring books, adventure with Bilbo Baggins on a quest to reclaim a dwarven kingdom, or immerse myself into Dragon Age Inquisition--finding time to unwind is important to our mental health.

I was recently introduced to disc golfing, and the combination of exercise and being outdoors has formulated my newest hobby.

For as long as I can remember, I've hated to watch, play, or do anything with golf. I found it boring, but disc golf has somehow changed the game for me.

The concepts of gameplay between the two sports are similar in using a variety of drivers, mid-ranges, and putters to make the shot. The only difference is that golf uses clubs, whereas I use discs. 

So here is what's in my bag:





May 1, 2017

Following up with what's in my bag by throwing at Trenton, Michigans newest course.







June 16, 2017

Bits and pieces of my favorite ruin and adventure from studying abroad. 

I need to update this when I have the chance, but for now here are the highlights of Pompeii.



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